Let Go

Here I sit preparing myself for the day
I keep postponing the event
Have been thinking for long
How long would my clinging onto help me
Yes I need him for as long as I’m sane
But maybe it’s suffocating him
I keep telling myself it’s been long I’ve tagged around
Making him dread of the start of each new month
When my calls would reach him
For me each month brings an equal dread
That perhaps finally he would ask me
Why am I so bothered about his well being?
It’s so hard to tell him I care
As I always used to, but its loosing its charm
Breaking and pulling away
That’s what I think
With no firm source to confirm
So that for once I could leave and move away
But it’s so tough even to think
What would happen to me after that?
I would completely loose myself
I lay crying in the wee hours of the night
Listening to ‘Under My Umbrella’
Wishing to be soaked deep down in the rains
For once he would break his silence
And the night after night, I hug myself
The storm inside me, finding roads to come out
The silent tears I hide from everybody
Each day I think, I should go ahead with the plans
But next month I need to write my papers
The next to it, I need to wish him for the New Year
Next I need to wish him on his birthday
I need to give myself space and time
But only if he would break his silence
Which he has donned into
Wonder why he has no questions to ask me
Why he understands it all
Yet refuses to even shun it
It’s the distance that keeps holding on
Making me feel incapable to make a difference
In his smile and his life
For once he said I am a dear one
And he is glad we came together
I wish to break free
Of the thoughts that keep haunting me forever
I don’t want to loose him
But I want to see whether he’d come back for me
Yet I don’t have the courage
To go ahead and make the decision
Am already lost and grief stricken
I would rather pain myself more
Than seeing him getting hurt
I would rather bash myself
Than seeing he hit by the ways of life
All for the friendship I count in him
All coz I cared too much
All coz I restrained stray thoughts making my way
And developing something new
For I knew some wild turn would ruin all that we have had
And nothing else would matter
Is what I don’t wish to feel
Here I sit taken the decision
Which grew along with the prose
Embarking the New Year
And has taken its final shape
One last call of acquaintance
The silence and remorse
Beginning to overwhelm inside
And bring a lump in the throat
So strong he could understand
And ask this time
Only if he did understand months later
When I would have let go him
Which I hope, but docile wishes go unheard
The last question was asked
The Wish I wrote, did it mean anything
Which got the answer, feelings are long dead now
And I have nothing to say
Its not the way I had imagined
I want to heal now
And I want to feel forver
Coz i believe in FOREVER…
Which exists in the tamed mind of ours

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